Crowd spat at Boxing Day Test exposes cricket’s biggest whingers

Crowd spat at Boxing Day Test exposes cricket’s biggest whingers

When it comes to persistent complaining, nothing beats a batsman with a sightscreen blemish, or the English.

But after the last few years, perhaps it’s time to add West Australians to cricket’s list of squeakiest Karens.

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Yes, this is a serious molotov cocktail to lob, so let’s firstly establish that we Eastern Seaboarders adore our brethren in the West.

Despite being closer to Jakarta than Canberra, they are treasured members of the Federation and we owe them a motza for their contribution, and for how we treated Cameron Bancroft.

However, the only pleasant things they’ve sent across the Nullarbor recently are minerals and Mitch Marsh.

Whether grizzling about the fixturing of their Test match, boycotting games out of parochialism or slamming rival crowd figures with whataboutism, WA has a persecution complex right now that would make Queenslanders blush at Origin time.

And while it’s not the first time the state has unloaded its bile duct upon us – Mike Whitney was pelted at a WACA ODI in 1992 because no locals were picked – this time the antagonism is sizzling like a rainbow steak.

If Basil Zempilas, Mitchell Johnson and the shunning of our national team is anything to go by, the people of WA will be spewing forever unless we fixture an entire summer on the West Coast featuring an Aussie team coached by Langer and packed full of locals, or just Perth Scorchers.

While other factors have certainly contributed to WA’s low test crowds, the poor figures of recent times have been partly attributed to the state’s Langer-inspired boycott.

With Sandgropers supposedly brassed-off after he was sacked for one too many Brentisms, even hiring Langer himself as the face of The West Test wasn’t enough to appease their revulsion.

West Aussies certainly adhered to the former coach’s plea to turn out in droves to Optus Stadium, but sadly it was only for a BBL match.

Protecting a favourite son aside, Perth’s reluctance is curious considering the state was blowing its top in 2020 for not receiving a Test match because Mark McGowan was closing borders like an involuntary bodily function.

Nevertheless, Australia has been happy to give Perth the benefit of the doubt … until Zempilas posted.

The Perth mayor’s broadside to “bugger what they say on the East Coast” was almost as peevish as his idea for a Perth day/night test that would see Sydney viewing the final session at breakfast.

Furthermore, his criticism of the MCG attendance was even crazier considering the four-day crowd for Optus was dwarfed by the number of people who turned up on Boxing Day to watch the rain.

Add to this his disrespectful attack on Melbourne’s beaches – because everyone knows if you’re slamming Melbourne, you mock their weather – and it pointed to a deeper issue.

Is Perth’s hatred for The East now too entrenched to be dislodged? Could it be enough for them to take their iron ore and excise?

Let’s hope not.

After all, we NEED Western Australia.

Not only is it handy to keep Twiggy and Gina Rinehart onside, it’s a relationship of brotherly love too precious to jeopardise.

We Easterners know the value of The West, as evidenced by our history of using and abusing the timezone, pitch and Kim Hughes.

And to be fair, they need us too.

After all, we’ve afforded countless opportunities to the Marsh brothers – one which admittedly has paid off – while also gifting them their fair share of GST revenue.

And despite largely being a relationship of convenience for the eastern states, it’s not like we treat them like Tasmania.

So let’s call a truce and get back to doing what we do best together, which is mocking Queensland.

If the rest of Australia can occasionally call upon a bouncy pitch and a patsy, we’ll let them continue hoarding all our domestic trophies.

Deal.

– Dane Eldridge is a warped cynic yearning for the glory days of rugby league, a time when the sponges were magic and the Mondays were mad. He’s never strapped on a boot in his life, and as such, should be taken with a grain of salt.

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